It’s just one of those days..

p/s: It’s a pretty long post filled with words. Read only if you’re interested.
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Love is like falling down, in the end you’re left hurt, scarred, and with a memory of it forever. Today was just one of those days where everything i did reminded me of you and every song i heard somehow related to you. I hate days like today, because they remind me of the one thing that i don’t have. You’re the one who broke my heart, the reason my world fell apart for so many times, you’re the one who made me cry, yet i was still in love with you and i don’t know why.
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I know i’m not completely over you. You still crosses my mind several times a week, but with each one of those times, a feeling of contempt also passes through my heart. Maybe if this happens enough, my heart will become completely hardened to you, and i’ll get to the point where you don’t affect me anymore.
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Sometimes, you made me feel as though I actually meant something to you, but sometimes, you made me feel like i’m no one to you. “We are afraid to care too much, for fear that the other person does not care at all. Sometimes- no matter how long or how much you love someone, they will never love you back and somehow you have to learn to be okay with that.” How true can this quote be?
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You used to say you wont hurt me, you hate to see it and you hate to see me cry. So all those times that you hurt me, when i cried, did you close your eyes? You hurt me more than I deserve, how can you be so cruel? I loved you more than you deserve, why am i such a fool? You always asked me what was wrong, i smiled and said nothing, when you turned around and a tear came rolling down, i’d whispered to myself….everything is.
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You always have an out. An exit strategy to make sure you don’t get hurt. You always walked away. You walked away before ‘they’ can walk away from you. Sometimes, i don’t know which i would rather believe, that you never did care or that you eventually stopped?
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Sad isn’t it? No matter what you did or said to me..when you came running back, when you need me again..i was there, right there waiting for you. I took you back, no question asked. Sad isn’t it? This time, it’s over, i’m keeping my heart, i’m gonna be strong and not fall apart anymore..it’ll be better, i’ll no longer cry, i won’t want to go back. I’ll be able to sleep well without thinking about you, it won’t hurt so badly and it wont hurt so deep. I know i made a lot of stupid mistakes in my life, but the worst one was thinking the person who hurt me the most wouldnt hurt me again. Do you ever notice that the people who hurt you the most are the ones you tend to love more? How much weirder could life be?
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Sometimes i wish i could have just screamed at you, and show you what you did to me. I always stayed because i thought “it will get better”, but after all that, i’m mad at myself for staying…so long. I don’t understand why i let myself stayed with you, after all the lies, the sides you chose, and all the tears. While i was holding on, all you ever did was to let go. No matter how many times i told myself that i’m better off without you, a part of me just won’t let go.
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In this weird twisted way, i know you miss me loving you, not because i want to believe it’s true, but because you’ll not find a girl that can put up with you like i did; you’ll never find a girl who will care as much as i did, because no one will waste all their love on you, like i did. Prove me wrong. =)
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I’m mad at myself, not you. I’m mad for always being nice, always apologizing although i know i’m right and i didn’t do anything wrong, for making you my life, wasting my time crying for you, thinking about you, following you, changing for you, tolerating, forgiving you, wishing for you, dreaming of you, and most of all..for not hating you which i know i should..but i can’t. I’m mad at myself for crying, i don’t even remember the reason but the tears keep flowing and they just won’t stop; i’m supposed to be strong but everything’s so wrong.
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I made a choice to finally let go, because i can’t stand the pain, it’s time for my last tear to fall and smile again. I would like to thank you, for showing me a part of myself that i have never seen. I won’t regret those great times i had with you. I will miss you for all the good memories that we had, your smell which i could constantly remember till now, i remember i once told you how much i liked it. But now, i need to get rid of it..
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“There will always be faces you can never look at without emotions and there are names you can never hear spoken without that same old feelings returning. Just when you think you can move on, you’ll remember all the reasons why you held on so long...”
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P/s: it’s just my crap, forget everything that you just read. =x
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